“What About Me?”

If you’re on any kind of social media platform, you’ll probably notice this trend if you scroll through the comments. People will post recipes, for example, and in the comments, there will be at least one person who will ask what they can do if they don’t like the main ingredient. While substitutions are understandable and sometimes necessary, when it’s the literal main ingredient, the ingredient that the entire dish is based on, the ingredient that is in the actual name of the specific food, then wouldn’t it just make sense to look at a different video? Rather than commenting, you could just ignore it and keep on scrolling. Another example is hair tutorial videos. I guarantee you will find a comment from someone saying that they find the video exclusionary because they are bald. You may think I’m joking, but nope. This happens. Often. Now I am in no way saying that we don’t need inclusivity or intersectionality, we do. It is important for our laws, our schools, public places, Hollywood, the media, and society in general to be more inclusive. But that’s not what comments like the ones previously mentioned are about. TikTok creator Sarah Lockwood (@sarahthebookfairy) shared a theory on why commenters act this way. She called it the “what about me?” effect. “It’s when someone sees something that doesn’t really pertain to them, or they can’t fully relate to, and they find a way to make it about them or try to seek out certain accommodation for their very nuanced personalized situation instead of recognizing that maybe they’re just not the target audience for that thing.” I think that this shows a deeper issue that many people seem to have: an empathy deficit.

These past few years have been full of issues and struggles: the coronavirus pandemic, racial injustice, loss of reproductive rights, financial insecurity, global warming, natural disasters, and so much more. And when you’re struggling, it’s natural to want others to understand what you’re going through and to get sympathy from them. However, far too often you’ll come across people who seem indifferent. And when you are posting content online, that number is much higher. I mean even our leaders tend to dismiss people’s concerns and seem indifferent towards the circumstances of others, especially when it doesn’t seem to affect them personally. All you have to do is look at our laws to see this. This year we have seen a record number of anti-LGBTQ+ bills, more than twice the number of such bills introduced last year. Then there was the over-turning of Roe v. Wade. And we have far too many leaders who refuse to acknowledge or teach critical race theory in their states. All this goes to show that too many people aren’t grasping other people’s perspectives or even bothering to try.

We saw this at the start of COVID, when far too many people showed their lack of concern when they refused to socially distance or wear face coverings and criticized those who do. People absorbed their personal risk calculations and simply decided that they will return to “normal” life, even as the virus continues to claim lives. There were so many people who refused to understand that their actions were affecting others. People refused to believe that the virus was deadly simply because they hadn’t experienced severe symptoms or lost anyone to it. Simply put, they couldn’t put themselves in the shoes of those who were suffering and dying or those who were immunocompromised and therefore at a higher risk of contracting the virus and suffering the more severe symptoms.

And we saw it again with the Hawaii fires that happened a few months earlier. In August 2023, there were deadly wildfires in Hawaii, which killed over 100 people and forced thousands to evacuate. A massive blaze destroyed much of the historic town of Lahaina, on Maui, and the search for victims continued as hundreds remained missing. And while there were people raising awareness and funds to help, you might’ve also come across some tone-deaf posts by certain social media personalities. I remember seeing an unfortunate amount of people posting about how they couldn’t travel to Hawaii because of the fires. These were social media content creators who were more concerned about their travel plans being ruined than all of the lives and homes lost because of these fires. Now these creators were called out by many people and most have since deleted their videos and tweets or posted “apologies”. Personally, I don’t understand how they could possibly think it was an appropriate thing to post at the time. This kind of lack of awareness and inability to understand or empathize with other people’s circumstances can be horrifying to see.

One of the main reasons some of us can’t empathize completely with every marginalized group is because our privilege gives us the ability to choose sides which more often than not tend to be our own. There have even been studies that show that the more economic privilege a person has, the less empathic understanding they show when relating to others. ^[1] Which is probably why you see this kind of behavior more with people who have a lot of or some degree of privilege. Whether it’s from being rich, powerful, famous, or simply being White, they’ll have a hard time understanding the average person’s daily struggles. Often, they will have “selective empathy,” empathizing with some groups and not with others. It’s why you see so many celebrities posting sympathies and raising awareness when it’s a European country suffering, but they’ll be silent when it’s a predominantly brown, non-Christen country suffering. It’s also why so many people can scroll past news that shows hundreds of people dying or suffering every day, all over the world, but will be outraged, disappointed and sad even, over an old building.

The work of dismantling systems of oppression is massive. So, while we can’t change the way other people think, we can remind ourselves to try to be more understanding and empathetic towards others and their situations. It’s important to ask yourself why you can easily empathize with one group over another. Being aware of your own privilege and biases is an important first step. Examine your personal biases, your own privilege, and be honest with yourself about whether you’ve considered a problem from the perspective of those who experience disenfranchisement and marginalization. Step outside of your normal experience and actually listen to other people’s perspectives. The path to real change begins by acknowledging our participation in things that reinforce inequality and racism, whether directly or indirectly. We are all at least partly responsible and we must do better.

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