Imagine after a long day at work, your partner asks you to pick up some groceries. You might be a bit a tired, but you still go because you remember the last time your partner went to the grocery store, they didn’t get everything on the list because they couldn’t find the items. Now you’re home and end up making dinner since your partner is a self-proclaimed bad cook. Then you end up cleaning up and doing the dishes too because your partner isn’t very good doing dishes so it’s better if you do it. There is also laundry that needs to be done. You prefer to do it because whenever you’ve asked your partner to do it in the past, they ended up ruining the clothes. It is understandable to not want to do chores once in a while, however if you’re noticing a pattern of this behavior from your partner then you might be experiencing weaponized incompetence.
So, what is weaponized incompetence? Weaponized incompetence, or strategic incompetence, is doing a task poorly on purpose, while appearing to do so out of incompetence. It’s a manipulation tactic. The goal is to get out of doing that task. The idea is to intentionally do tasks so badly and require so much help that you convince others that you simply aren’t capable of doing the task or that it’s simply less effort for others to just do the task themselves. If you think you may be living with or dealing with someone who has seemingly mastered the use of weaponized incompetence, here are some things you should know: Weaponized incompetence is an act. This is learned behavior. Your partner, friend, sibling, or other knows how to do these simple tasks. They know how to do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, get groceries, take out the trash, and so on. But pretending to be incompetent gets others to take over their responsibilities for them.
While anyone of any gender is capable of faking incompetence to get out of their responsibilities, there are some gendered differences in who actually does it. Weaponized incompetence is a tactic most often observed in men, probably because of traditional gender roles and expectations. Gender roles and expectations start from a young age, and so too does weaponized incompetence. Maybe you remember hearing the phrases, “girls are so responsible,” “boys will be boys,” or “girls mature faster than boys.” I remember hearing that from adults often. I also remember how girls were given “cleanup” duties after recess or playtime, while boys were permitted to goof off. And it was always brushed off because “boys will be boys.” When you’ve gotten messages from a very young age that someone else will pick up the slack on tasks you don’t want to do, you become used to it. It may even become unconscious later in life. Whereas girls, from a young age, are taught to proactively find ways to support others, to pick up the slack, or cleanup after others. Our society has a much greater tolerance for incompetent men than it does for incompetent women.
This doesn’t just apply to your partners either, like I said anyone can weaponize their incompetence. It can be anyone you share responsibilities with. You may even see it at work or at school. Your coworkers or boss may hand off “office housekeeping” work to you telling you that you’re just so much better at organizational work or because you’re “more organized and responsible” than them. It can be very annoying, condescending, and difficult to deal with, especially in a professional setting. It’s hard to know how to deal with this kind of behavior at work. Which is why I think it is important for bosses or employers to create a safe working environment. It is their responsibility to create a working environment that is safe, equal, respectful, and accessible.
Now while we are talking about what weaponized incompetence is, we must also talk about what it isn’t. It is important to remember that there is a big difference between someone who wants to do a task and contribute but struggles, and someone who does a bad job on purpose so that no one will ask them to do it again. For example, someone with ADHD may need extra reminders or more specific instructions, but they will get the job done. People who are weaponizing incompetence will simply claim that they are just helpless and it would just be better if someone else took over. Someone needing help or struggling with a task isn’t always weaponized incompetence. We all struggle with different things and asking for help isn’t a bad thing. Weaponized incompetence is not:
- Needing help and clear instructions
- Running out of energy and not being able to do something at that moment
- Needing transition time to get around to doing chores
- Needing more reminders and taking more time to get tasks done
Personally, I think the main way to combat weaponized incompetence is to not tolerate it. The reason people use weaponized incompetence is because it works. When someone keeps messing up a task, eventually you just think it will be easier if you do it and so you do. Remember your worth and your boundaries. When someone undervalues you or disrespects your boundaries don’t jump in and do the job yourself. The next time someone insists that they can’t do their fair share of the chores rather than taking over and doing it yourself, remind them that you have your own work to do and that they are more than capable of doing the task right. Remember there’s a point where you aren’t helping others by saving them from their responsibilities, you’re only hurting yourself.