For a long time, I’ve been applauded for being able to maintain contact with people from a variety of times in my life that others may no longer continue to maintain contact with. But is this necessarily a good trait? For certain ones of these relationships, my choices were questioned with, “You a good one.”
“Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.” That’s an old saying that, in its purest form, applies to a game of poker. But it can also apply to life in general. We could all benefit from implementing some boundary that helps to improve our lives. How do you know when you’ve been holding onto something that no longer serves you? Or something that is due for a sunset season?
During COVID-19 stay-at-home orders, many people found themselves sheltered in place with a spouse who they did not get along with well. Some of these dynamics led to abuse…or further abuse. But could these situations have been avoided altogether? Interestingly enough, economic and societal demands may make it difficult to recognize when it’s time to part ways. We can be just too busy to see the signs, or too tied together financially. ‘Cheaper to keep her’, right? I’ve known some couples that have had similar circumstances. Thankfully, those involved were not so involved that they were unable to make healthier decisions during the times needed.
I think that in some part of many of us, there is a level of loyalty that could be harmful to us. Remember the story surrounding the young girl who was abducted last month, and her father turned himself in? That story is continuing to unfold, and it turns out that the physical altercation Mitchell Grayson had was with a cousin on the girl’s mom’s side. However, the girl’s maternal uncle (mom’s brother) was present to support Grayson during his bond hearing last month1. The uncle stated, “right is right and wrong is wrong.” So, on the one hand, you want to applaud Grayson for knowing “when to fold ‘em”, but on the other hand, why did it ever rise to that?
There are countless situations in which families stay together for the sake of the children. And there are also those who know when to leave a family dynamic because the environment is no longer healthy for them or for the children. In fact, there are many adults scarred by the misguided concept of keeping a family intact when in fact, the parents should have learned a new normal by navigating a coparenting or parallel parenting arrangement. It goes without saying that children are best served when their parents are healthy and happy.
No matter the effort to protect this young girl from the challenges rooted in the relationship between her father and her mother or between her parents and their extended families, the breakdown has already been established. It takes a lifetime of effort to reverse the impact of dysfunction as a norm.
There are undoubtedly some things that we hold onto that have expired in our lives. Take hoarders, for example – specifically the types that have things that they have used at some point in life, but refuse to part ways with those things because they may be able to use them at some later time. Interestingly enough, holding onto those things eventually becomes problematic in a variety of ways, and may even cause health issues. The same is true of relationships that we have.
I’ve had many a conversation in which there are friendships questioned because of something that was done that was in some way harmful to the complaining party. Yet, those people continue to maintain friendships with the very people they are complaining about. We excuse behaviors with a justification of “I understand”. But at what point does your understanding become harmful to you? In my own experiences, I have come to recognize that it isn’t my responsibility to continue to excuse behaviors that “I understand”, and that are harmful to me. Understanding does not equate to responsibility. There are professionals available for that level of healing.
So far, I’ve only touched on the perspective of the receiving party. But what about the party that is doing the harmful things? The saying goes that hurt people hurt people. I used to understand this to mean that there was some intention to hurt another. As I’ve experienced it, however, I now understand that if you are someone whose reality is that of dysfunction – dysfunction is your norm, your comfort level – then you treat others accordingly. It’s often subconscious, and even defended.
I’m not advocating for a level of interaction that is akin to giving out participation trophies (I realize there’s a lot to unpack here), but I am advocating that we know when to fold ‘em.
By the way, the girl’s mom in this story said that she utilized the Amber Alert because the courts were closed. This seems innocent enough. But 2 days had gone by, and she undoubtedly knew or should have known who her daughter was with. What was the emergency that warranted an Amber Alert? Last month, I posed the possibility that someone, or possibly both in this situation, was manipulating the system. Even her own brother said right is right and wrong is wrong.
What’s wrong here?
References
Jurney, Joe, et al. “Bond Set for Dad who Surrendered Durham Police After Taking Girl from Home.” Com, CBS, 10 Oct. 2023, https://www.cbs17.com/news/local-news/durham-county-news/bond-set-for-dad-who-surrendered-to-durham-police-after-taking-girl-from-home/