Few experiences in life are as personally shocking as losing someone important to you. While grief is a universal experience, it is one that never becomes any easier or more predictable. Even though most of us will be faced with our own grief or with the responsibility of helping someone through theirs multiple times, every loss and every grieving process is different. All that you can count on is that this process takes time, which is why trying to find shreds of comfort through any available avenues is so important – looking through old photos, telling stories about the person, and surrounding yourself with people who care and will listen.
One of the most difficult parts of grief, however, is balancing this need to remember with the need to move forward. These two responses often seem mutually exclusive, though, as remembering can begin to feel like dwelling on the past, and moving forward can feel like forgetting the past. What can be a comforting balance is reminding yourself of the role this person has in your future. Memories of specific moments with someone you lost are important to cherish, but a person is so much more than a collection of moments in time. Your loved one was an individual who taught you something, who embodied certain qualities, and who shaped the person you are in some way. Recognizing those impacts a person had on your life and embracing the lessons that they imparted on you is, I believe, how you allow someone who has passed to truly live on.
When we think of the traits of someone we’ve lost that persist in those who are still living, it’s easy to think of physical characteristics or other traits we share merely through DNA. Since losing my grandparents, I know I can still see my grandfather’s eyes and my grandmother’s smile in my mom and her two siblings. However, the far more powerful reminders of who my grandparents were lie in the words and actions of those they knew – myself included. I remember my grandfather as an example of how to be caring, patient, and courageous; I remember my grandmother as an example of how to be resilient, passionate, and generous. Because of their example, I find that one of the best ways to honor their memory is to appreciate how they inspired these qualities in others and to try to embody these qualities myself.
If you’re currently dealing with your own loss, try not to only view this person as part of your past – try to bring them into your future through the lessons they taught you. Maybe there’s something this person frequently told you that you can remember in important moments. Maybe your loved one brought out a certain quality in you that made you a better version of yourself. Maybe their mere example during difficult times in their lives inspired you to follow the wisdom of their actions. Ultimately, while memories might someday fade as they become more distant, we can always learn to be better individuals through the example of the people in our lives who came before us.