Getting Through It Not Over It

Bad things happen to everyone, we all have our own traumas and problems that cause us pain, grief, anger, and sadness. While we all may have our own ways of dealing with our problems, it is important to deal with them. It’s important to acknowledge, understand, and feel whatever it is you are feeling. With that in mind, have you ever had a friend or family member tell you to “look on the bright side” or that “everything happens for a reason” when something bad happens? While they might mean well, that kind of advice may not always be helpful. Sometimes it makes things worse. This may fall into something called toxic positivity. Now if you don’t know what that is, you may be wondering how being positive could be considered toxic. Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter what you’re going through you need to have and maintain a positive mindset. It rejects anger, sadness, and other “negative” emotions. At first glance, that may not sound so bad, but repressing your feelings can have devastating consequences. Toxic positivity avoids the emotions you should be feeling and addressing and forces you to be happy regardless. Eventually, you will end up feeling worse and you won’t have delt with your problems.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking positively, it becomes toxic when it is allowed to overrule everything. You are allowed to have bad days and it is okay to have “negative” emotions. The universe isn’t going to make your life harder just because you’re feeling sad or angry. Being sad or feeling angry isn’t going to bring “bad energy” into your life. Anger and sadness are normal healthy feelings. Toxic positivity tells us that we can smiles our problems away and that having a positive mindset is the most important thing. It places the blame on us. It tells us that if we have a bad day or are struggling, it is somehow our fault for not being positive. The truth is, not every hard circumstance needs a silver lining. True positivity doesn’t ignore what’s wrong, it finds ways to make things better. True positivity is knowing you can’t force yourself to be happy all the time, especially when you are struggling.

For those of us who are struggling daily with things that are out of our control, whether that be a physical or mental illness/disability or socioeconomic issues, it can come off as tone deaf to simply suggest smiling or being happy as a way to make everything better. Smiling away your problems does not in fact solve your problems. “You know, no amount of smiling at a flight of stairs has ever made it turn into a ramp. Never. Smiling at a television screen isn’t going to make closed captions appear for people who are deaf. No amount of standing in the middle of a bookshop and radiating a positive attitude is going to turn all those books into Braille.” (Stella Young) ^[1]. Positive thinking does little to confront the actual physical and emotional barriers and problems people face, especially people with disabilities. Telling someone to be positive when they are struggling doesn’t always help. It can make some people feel pressured to fake a smile just so that they aren’t a burden to others, because most people prefer to be around people who are happy, or at least upbeat. People can be uncomfortable discussing disabilities, health concerns, economic problems, and even certain social issues, so people who are struggling are usually forced to come across as positive and unbothered so that everyone can feel comfortable. Bottling up your feeling, forcing yourself to be positive will have negative consequences, not to mention it can be an incredibly lonely experience. Anxiety, depression, and other physical and mental illnesses/disorders can make those feelings of loneliness so much more severe. So, it is important to make sure your friends and family can feel safe coming to you with their problems and their “negative” emotions. Some advice for when someone you know comes to you, telling you that they are having a hard time, instead of saying things like:

• “Look on the bright side.”
• “You just need to work harder.”
• “The bad only makes you stronger.”
• “No excuses.”
• “Be grateful it isn’t worse.”

Try something like:

• “You’re allowed to feel whatever you are feeling.”
• “It’s okay to rest.”
• “That sounds really hard, I hear you.”
• “How can I support you?”
• “This isn’t easy, and you don’t have to pretend like it is.”

When people are faced with the reality of the physical and mental barriers that other people, especially disabled people experience, usually their first instinct is to try and fix the person. Offering advice to just be positive and things will get better. This overzealous pursuit of happiness places too much responsibility on the individual person, taking it off of the unjust systems in place that make it harder for people with disabilities, mental health problems, or socioeconomic problems. So many people experience severe poverty, loss of opportunity, physical or mental disabilities, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and physical and emotional abuse. These circumstances make “maintaining a positive outlook” far more difficult. Even when a person manages to cultivate a positive attitude, it doesn’t change their situation. So, while yes positivity and optimism may help sometimes, it is not enough, and it shouldn’t be forced especially not to make others more comfortable. At the end of the day, rather than romanticizing a “positive vibes only” mindset, we should be working on making the world a more accessible place for anyone and everyone who is struggling. Removing barriers and creating accommodations require expertise, collaboration, funding, resources, and support. People who are struggling or are disabled shouldn’t be forced to change themselves to fit into the world, not when we can change the world to make it more accessible.

Works Cited