“Be kind. You never know what someone is going through.” We’ve all heard these words as an appeal to our humanity when we’re tempted to lose patience or judge someone prematurely, and it is an adage with great truth. We don’t know what someone we pass on the street is dealing with inside. What we often don’t realize, though, is that many of us are just as unaware of what we are dealing with inside ourselves.
For those who have experienced trauma, a common response is to push this experience to the depths of your mind and to dismiss its significance. You might tell yourself that your experience could have been worse, that it isn’t worth dwelling on, or even that it wasn’t actually traumatic. If this sounds like you, you are likely doing what is called minimizing your trauma. Those of us who default to this response often pride ourselves on our positive attitudes and on others viewing us as strong and resilient. This response can even stem from a sense of empathy, as we’re often tempted to downplay our own experiences in comparison to the apparently worse experiences of others. Regardless of your own personal challenges or scars, if you know someone going through something even worse, it’s easy to think, “What right do I have to complain? How can I call my experience traumatic when others have been through so much more?” As a result, you swallow your feelings and turn your attention outward, unaware of how your past experiences are shaping you internally.
Other people in your life can contribute to a tendency towards minimizing, as well. Maybe you’ve been told to “move on” from a painful experience, that your experience could have been worse, or that you shouldn’t let your experience bother you. When you’re struggling to acknowledge and work through personal challenges yourself, your feelings being minimized by others can make this process enormously difficult. Of course, you don’t want your past to define you, but blindly “moving on” won’t make the past disappear – it will only make the past linger into your future. That’s why a critical step in moving forward is surrounding yourself with people who respect your experiences and make you feel validated. A friend doesn’t have to fully understand your past experiences or even agree with your response. However, a true friend will acknowledge your feelings, recognize where you’re coming from, and give you the space to speak freely and openly.
What is most important to remember as you’re trying to break the habit of minimizing your trauma is that you do not have to justify your struggles or emotional responses to anyone – and that includes yourself. It’s a common misconception that trauma is defined by the type of experience you’ve had when it is actually defined by how that experience has affected you. If you find that you’re minimizing your own feelings as a defense mechanism, avoiding talking or thinking about your experience, or are suffering from other residual effects such as depression or anxiety, these are likely trauma responses. While there is no right way to heal, the first step is giving your feelings the respect they deserve by breaking through your instinct to minimize.
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