“She’s UGLY!” is what I heard the guy say after he looked over at me. As he and his friend laughed I sat there without showing emotion and pretended I didn’t hear anything. Inside I was hurt, humiliated and most of all embarrassed. I internalized his statement and my confidence plummeted along with my self-esteem. To me it was, I’m ugly which meant I must be an ugly person on the inside. I can’t do anything right. I do not belong. I am not enough. To some, my thoughts may have been extreme but I was sixteen with a fragile spirit. My self-doubt baggage grew and I carried it for years. It kept me from fully furthering my education, advancing my career and even from doing activities I enjoyed. I let opportunities pass by out of fear and uncertainty. I constantly critiqued everything about myself. I was the one who hid from getting a picture taken or from speaking publicly. I noticed every imperfection and every mistake. Even today, I sometimes find myself uncomfortable speaking to men because I don’t feel pretty enough. The truth is, I brought negative attention to myself.
Recently I attended a meeting where the speaker talked about how the power of words affects us. Just a few words have the power to help us or hurt us. That day in my tenth grade English class came to mind. Even though I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, I realized somehow I never let go how I felt that day. The young man from school did not know me. His words hurt, but it was his opinion which he was entitled. I was not wrong for being upset but I chose to think the worst about myself on another person’s opinion. His comment did not make me a victim. I made myself the victim.
I started to think about my daughter. I want her to know some people say things that will hurt and confuse us. I don’t want her to consume hurt as I did most of my life. She will face challenges and others will try to strip her of what amazing attributes she processes. I want to teach my daughter to be mindful of what she says and how it could impact others. I do not know if my way of teaching will be effective. I do not know what situations she will face. But I’ve planted the seed. It may sound easier said than done but it’s not impossible. Negative words are powerful. Positive words are powerful. For today my daughter is watching and listening to me. I want her to find her confidence and accomplish her desires.
I now feel I am not ugly and my self-worth exceeds beyond what others see of me on the outside. I can do amazing things. I do belong. I am enough.